I Needed To Blog. :)

Well, first thing's first. Merry Christmas to everybody that reads this. I wanted to share my thoughts and feelings about this Christmas day. Because today and yesterday I just kept getting this feeling something's not right, and I have been feeling very peaceful about myself and with other people around me.

Yesterday, was Christmas Eve, and I had so much fun. My mom made Christmas cookies and Chocolate Chip Cookies. And my sister was actually nice to me and everybody else. Wednesday I went to my Nana's because Em had a basketball game to go cheer at. And my parents went shopping again. So I went to my Nana's house and spent the evening talking about Scholarships, my career of choice, boys, dreams, and babies. Everything but the last one surprised my nana because we never had a talk about babies like we did. The dreams and baby kind of went together actually.

The last couple of nights, all of the dreams I've had. We're about me with a child. More of the dreams have been baby boys instead of girls. With these dreams I am still going to college and doing what I wanted to do as a career. But me and my nana were talking and we both kind of decided that God may be giving me a decision here. Which one do I want more? Family? Or career? If it was up to me, it would be both. But God works wonders though.

One dream I did have though, I tend to keep having at night. This is how it goes. My friend and her mom were going to go to a concert in Indinaposis and we go to see it and I have the time of my life, but after its over and we were going to leave the stadium these big guys come up to us and say that, "the guys of the band want to meet you." Which they're talking about me and of course we go. And we leave to go meet these guys and one is really, really drunk and he can't seem to understand that no means no. And the next thing I know I am four months pregnant. How about that for a dream?

Myself in my dream is very confident that she can do this and have a baby, have a career, and be handicapped at the same time. So she keeps the baby, because if that WAS me, I would keep the baby. I have family who were adopted and it took them forever to see the rest of their family, so thats what I would do. Anyways, she finds out its a boy. And she decides that his name will be Layton Matthew. And being that I have had Scoliosis the same feelings of how can I get drugs to calm down the pain without doing something wrong to my back? So I had no drugs at all. I had no boyfriend just my family and my best friend. And my son was born.

Lately I have thought a lot more of baby names then anything else. In my notepad in my phone I have four names that I have come up with just because of these dreams. I have Dante Benjamin, Layton Matthew, Sophia Marie, and Jaelyn Ruth.

Finals Week!

This week is final's week. And it's also the last week of the first semester of my last year here in high school. It seems so bittersweet, but then again it seems so good to almost be done with all of the high school drama, bad friendships, people who don't seem to care where you want to go. High school has really changed me. I remember when I was a freshman I really wanted to go back to middle school, but now I just want to go back to Elementary school.

Trusting people has been a big thing for me. Elementary I had one aide, and I had her until she retired when I started fifth grade. I was sad because she was the only one that knew me and understood me, and when I started fifth grade not only did I have to have surgeries, but I gained a bad aide. The only people who liked her were my "friends" and it was because she was younger. After when I graduated from Elementary, I was scared because I didn't know who would want to be friends with me. And then I learned that they're were NICE people in the older grades before me.

My "friends" in Elementary school, were leaving me as I left Elementary life before me. They were my friends, but some lied to gain my trust. I thought I was vurunable and weak because I was handicapped. I thought I would never become something. During my middle school years, I became very depressed. Half the time I let it show and the rest I never did, but my family knew I was. By my seventh grade year came my mom began school at VU for Nursing. And I hated it. Because I knew my dad would be the one to take care of me and Emily.

When my mom began school, I felt really lonely. I know I began to trust a lot of fake people and started believeing every word they said rather believeing in my own words. Music became more than a hobby for me. I began singing songs after my surgeries, I thought it was very werid that my lungs seemed stronger than ever. Avril Lavigne became my favorite Rockstar and still kind of is. Me and my roommate at Shriner's Shelby had a thing were every trip we went to we sang her songs. Being at Shriner's showed me that they were more kids like me.

When I started eighth grade, I was already crying from the depression and losing my mind from feeling unwanted. I joined 8th Grade Swing Choir and loved it! I hated the people that were in there but I loved singing. After that I started high school. Freshman actually wasn't too bad, if you can get past the flaws between boys. Then it was okay. The boys were nice for once. They would open doors for you, and then everybody else followed. Football became my thing. I loved the football team! The players were good looking and I was actually getting out of the house to go to games. Then I realized something I wanted to do POWDER PUFF FOOTBALL!

Holy Cow!

I have never wanted something so bad in my life, then a reason to win something because many people love you for what you are then what they see in you. I am nominated in the running for Winter Homecoming and its werid! Its sooooo cool! I am looking at dresses online. Like on Macy's and Sears. The really cheap dresses is what I'm going for and something purple too! As long as its purple and it has straps we're good. Thank you for the ones that voted for me, you guys are great!

Been Thinking Again.

I am going out of my mind. I need more money to spend on buying Christmas presents for my family and friends. I've got my nana and my dad covered. They're getting candles. My cousin is getting a pair of (blank) but I don't know which to give to her. On her birthday or Christmas. I think I should go to Evansville or somewhere and get stuff, but I don't know what they would want. I've never done this before. So I'm a little new at this.

This is my Christmas Wish List:

1.) A new cell phone.
2.) A new stereo or TV would be nice.
3.) I want some boots, not cowboy boots, but like Uggs.
4.) I want Guitar Earrings, that I saw at Walmart.
5.) I want some earrings.
6.) Lotion.
7.) A laptop.
8.) I want Linkin Park's DVD/CD of their concert at Milton Keyes. :)
9.) I want some new clothes.
10.) An iTunes music card.
11.) More fuzzy socks.
12.) Another purse.
13.) My scholarship stuff to be done.
14.) Anything that's Linkin Park, would be nice too! :))

Another Stressful Day.

Monday started off this so nice... NOT! The one time I don't have a NHS meeting on a Monday morning, my bus never comes to pick me up. Why me?? My dad had to take me in, and I felt like crap the rest of the day. Then when I got home, my mom wanted to start an aguement with me about it.

Tuesday, came with another stressful day. My schedule for second semester was being changed. I had a class that I didn't want, but the consolar put me in it. And she wanted me to come up to talk to her later that day and I told three people I was literally on the eadge on my chair because I was so mad. But now, its well. I have classes that I want to take and that one I have no chioce.

Today, yeah well don't ask!!!
:)